About feeling (not) enough

It happens on very rare occasions that I see a person who is truly and genuinely satisfied with themselves. By that, I don't mean someone with an inflated ego and superficial confidence. I mean someone who is at peace with themselves, calmly, honestly, deeply.

How come this has become such an exception?

As a millennial, I have seen (and was used to) a world without the internet, search engines, YouTube, Adobe Photoshop, Snapchat, or any social media. Technology surrounding photos was not necessarily commercialised. Mobile phones did not have a camera yet when my father bought his first one and the filters on cameras came much later, so did the apps that changed images for perfect catfishing.

While growing up, I was slowly introduced to these innovations. At the beginning, I remember how impressed everyone was to be able to upload their photos onto the first social media platforms. That alone was such a novelty, that nobody seemed bothered by photos having a low quality. We seemed to happily live in a world of imperfections.

The number of cosmetic surgeries has risen substantially and still seems to climb up, and the ones interested in them seems to become younger in age compared to decades before. It looks like we want to achieve an ideal that is nowadays hard to beat considering AI being able to generate the perfect skin on the perfect face framing the perfect body.

In my work at the Zohalogy Studio, I can see the negative consequences of this culture: people not feeling enough, lacking of confidence, and feeling unhappy with themselves or sometimes everything.

This does not seem surprising if everyone is constantly shown a false image of perfection. Even before the above-mentioned technology existed, marketing and sales techniques have always been around. Suggesting someone that they have an unmet need makes them the best target for a sale. Though not popular nowadays, there used to be sales people knocking on people's doors to tell them how they could make their skin look better or younger, how they could save on their monthly bills, how they were doing something wrong. I sometimes enjoy stumbling upon old TV commercials from the 80s where they show you how you are opening milk bottles the wrong way in an attempt to sell you bottle openers.

It is a human desire to strive for more, to improve, grow, make things better, and - as a result of that - be better. How come we then do not feel better?

Consumerism is lucrative to far too many parties involved to wish it to be gone. It will be around for at least our lifetime. But consumerism and toxic marketing do not have to be in the way of your happiness. What is helpful and how can one push against the pull of false perfection?

1. Gain consciousness over moments when you are being sold the idea of doing something the wrong way or lacking of something.

2. Step out of the situation. Do this either by physically removing yourself from the situation or by mentally interrupting the automatic thought process of yours.

3. Write down your automatic thoughts that support the idea that you are not enough, or that you do not do enough, or that you do not have enough.

4. List positive opposites that you will use in the future to access whenever you enter a situation like that again.

A real-life example:

In the shopping centre nearby, there are many sales people offering skin care products. One day, one lady asked me if I wanted to try their product when I was walking by. I first thought that she was selling perfume and I was looking for a gift for my mother. She then jumped right into it, pointed out my wrinkles around my eyes and asked if I was in my 30s. I confirmed in surprise about the question and she explained that ageing skin typically loses its elasticity and skin care could help to avoid this from happening. I tried to interrupt her and explain that I was actually looking for perfumes but during this conversation I noticed where my thoughts would lead me.

"Are my wrinkles so visible? Am I looking so old? Why else would she describe me as 'ageing'? If I look ageing in my early 30s, how will this continue in a few years?"

Alongside these thoughts, I felt a bit offended, sad, worried, a little insecure, and curious about a possible solution.

Once I noticed this, I interrupted the thought process immediately that would have normally gone on for a bit, if I hadn't had consciousness of this happening from previous situations.

I asked the lady kindly to allow me to interrupt and that I appreciated her pointing out my age and my wrinkles, but that I actually liked my wrinkles because they were a result of me laughing and smiling a lot. I continued saying that I mistakenly stopped on my search for perfumes for my mother and wished her a great day. She was visibly surprised and I walked away.

I then continued actively think a different way. When you do this the first times, it feels very fake. But with a little time, this becomes a natural thought process and feels far more authentic compared to the automatic, negative thoughts from before. It is weird that kindness to ourselves sometimes feels strange. But if we believe to deserve the kindness, we can work on our thoughts to reflect this, too.

Some people's first thought might be, "But what did the sales lady think? She might have thought that walking off was rude." This might be true. But I was thinking of her that she was being rude as well. In my calculation this makes us even. I did not even start this dynamic.

Then others might say, "Sometimes people don't realise that they came accross rude. You should cut them some slack and not be so sensitive." Well, this works well for people who have the mental resilience to cut people including strangers some slack. But if the reality is that you are sensitive and something did bother you, what is the point in acting like it did not bother you other than cater to the other person but yourself? Isn't the far more interesting question, "Why is it so hard for you to place enough worth onto yourself to (politely but) honestly speak your truth? Don't you see that you deserve to ask for what is important to you?"

It might take time, but if you do the work, you will see that everything around you will shift. Instead of constantly catering to others, you will be catered to.

Step one is much harder to do if you had an upbringing, where criticism was a vital part in your family system (either overall or particularly when it came to you). In that case, you might simply feel a general sense of unhappiness but you can't say where it comes from. The help of a professional (therapist or counsellor) can be useful to identify where this comes from. A mental health professional can help you to reflect and feel any old emotions that might have been suppressed previously.

Not feeling enough has another aspect as well and it won't suffice to simply do what is outlined above. It is also deeply connected with leaving a radically blind compliance mindset behind. Besides consuming, tolerating discomfort is another aspect of this matter that is beneficial for many parties.

What is blind compliance?

Normally, compliance is important and healthy in a society. It means to follow rules or orders, which is vital to every collective. If we would not follow our doctor's orders, we would likely harm ourselves. If we would not follow traffic rules, we could possibly cause dangerous accidents.

But blind compliance means that we simply follow any orders without even thinking about it just for the sake of following. If we do everything because we were simply asked for it, we likely end up never questioning what we have been asked for (or why). This does not serve the purpose of achieving a desired outcome by following orders or rules that make sense. In real life, many people accept to be disregarded for a promotion or pay raise when, in fact, they deserve it according to their performance at work. But a company directly benefits from individuals doubting themselves, staying compliant, and not make any trouble. Some companies with toxic culture and policies simply replace employees who no longer comply with the bare minimum they were given. Being served the bare minimum not only has an impact on our lifestyle, it also establishes an environment that confirms that we do not deserve better. This directly impacts our self-image and reduces our confidence, which in return makes it harder to end the toxic cycle of blind compliance.

Being able to set healthy boundaries and questioning orders or rules or systems are factors that help prevent the lack of feeling enough.

From a spiritual perspective, there is no such thing as to "earn being enough" because love and any aspects related to love (such as respect or consideration) are our birth right. In the spiritual world there are no categories like "good" or "bad" as we have as humans in our experience on earth. Every being is loved beyond measures. Many people disagree with this as they wish to see "bad" people being punished and "good" people being rewarded. In reality, you will observe that anything is possible. People committing crimes and hurting others get away with it while honest, hard-working people struggle in life. In the business world it has become a thing to water down the cruelty of actions by saying, "It is just business." But it being about business, does it make it any less hurtful?

Spirit loves every individual, even the "bad" ones. Why did humans come up with these categories then?

It helps to establish a mindset of blind compliance. If we believe in good or bad, if we believe in only being a "good" woman if we become mothers, if we believe in only being "good" children if we cater to our parents no questions asked, if we believe in only being "good" citizens if we never protest against anything... We end up serving the group of people or the systems that directly benefit from us believing those things (instead of ourselves and our self-worth). But a person that is completely independent of these beliefs will likely not comply with everything. This person might move on to environments that show them the love, the respect, and consideration that they deep down know to have a right to experience. This type of person will expect more from their surrounding and shape a world that caters to them - not vice versa. Though, this might hold a whole set of other obstacles, in my experience, this type of person increases the chances drastically to find their happy place - internally and externally.