When spelling mistakes are not the only smaller thing that drives you nuts

An overstimulating environment seems to be the norm for anyone living in a city, especially larger or more crowded ones. Isn't it amazing how some people still manage to notice all the details?

I have a friend whose in-laws have a special talent in pointing out what is not working out: the colours of your autumn decoration, the setting on your camera, the seam on your newest DIY project, the timing of your marketing campaign (just to mention a small selection of things they pointed out). My friend finds this tiring at times but meets them with kindness and patience. I offer an open ear to hear her out whenever this causes too many tensions (typically during the holiday season). The details she openly shares with me awaken my genuine curiosity.

The spelling mistakes, the wrong set up, the wrong colours, the wrong tools... They spot them all, all the mistakes and errors. It clearly shows that they have the incredible eyes of a hawk.

I offered to join the group and observe. I was curious and genuinely interested in offering support to my friend just by being present. At times, she gave me a meaningful look and I understood that another comment had been made containing feedback about something she had done the apparent wrong way.

The more I watched this, the more I noticed the difference between the family of her in-laws and her own. I knew her, her brothers, and her parents and grandparents. She was a busy lady always crafting or trying something. Even though she was working full-time, she had many hobbies, spent lots of time outside, and still found time to learn new languages or take an upholstery class. Her newest project was a medieval dress that she had made herself, part by hand and part with her sowing machine. She explained to everyone that she planned to wear this at an event that had medieval theme.

I admit, it was hard to just watch this scene. She asked me in advance not to intervene and leave it be. She found it supportive that I was simply there and that she could vent once they have left. But at this point she did not wish to have a confrontation. She was not sure if this had the potential to become the genie that could not be put back into its bottle.

As a friend, I respect her wishes, of course. As a psychologist, it made me curious. Her in-laws were surely not bad people. My friend often told me how great they were and how happy she was to be a part of their family. But life is not perfect and people are flawed. She said that their family culture was very direct and honest. This sometimes had its advantages and sometimes it was slightly too much. Whenever she gave me that meaningful look during our gathering, I understood what she meant by that.

But why would people who clearly love you and actually respect you, criticise you so frequently? This matter is surely not limited to her extended family, but even happens between happy and close parent-child relationships. In a relationship between a parent and their child, the critical voice of the parent even becomes the voice of the inner critic of the later grown-up child. Some of them seek my help as a client and it takes time to get control over this inner critic.

Others, however, might never seek awareness or professional help with their internalised critical voice of their parent(s) and I noticed that this voice becomes a major obstacle in their own lives whenever it comes to accomplishing something, starting something new, or working on a dream project.

This is not surprising. Why would someone, who already knows all the reasons as to why something is wrong or not right or not good enough, risk being criticised by others? That would be like the health department officer ordering a drink with lemons at a restaurant. They know exactly how long the lemons sit on the counter average and how much bacteria they attract during that time.

When you have experienced something often enough, you will avoid the experience of it. Psychologically, this makes a lot of sense. On a behavioural level, this has some consequences, though.

People who can easily identify, work out, and verbalise the flaws in everything, they tend to overthink and not start any projects of their own. It means their inner critic becomes the roadblock of themselves and along the way they create fears and worries in other people, who follow their own projects, too.

Whether it is starting a new business, a dream project like writing a book, or trying something new simply to get out of the repetitive day-to-day routine, the inner critic finds countless reasons why not to start.

"But what will the neighbours think?"

"I do not have the right equipment. How would that look like?"

"I have dyslexia. It would never be enough."

Spiritually, this can cause a major issue. It can become the way of life. Psychologically, this can lead to feeling stuck, unhappy, even desperate or depressed, frustrated, jealous or envious. Related to others we then might struggle to feel happy for others, especially when they have accomplished something. We might feel challenged to stay positive when others stretch the limits of possibilities, go out and try something new, present themselves fearless and careless. In very extreme cases this could possibly host the potential for emotionally impulsive reactions.

But what is helpful in this regard?

It is important to understand: This is not about someone else. This is about your own inner critic. Taking accountability for this is the first step.

There are many ways to address an inner critic. Professionals trained in non-violent communication can be helpful.

But if you need more In-depth reflections on your past and how the inner critic had developed during your upbringing, therapy and counselling are great ways to reflect.

Either way, reflecting on your inner critic can help to keep overthinking, irrational worry or fear, and jealousy in check. All the above are attempts of alerts from your own subconscious mind to help you see that your inner critic needs to be looked at.

My friend found my view on this very interesting and it helped her find even more compassion for her husband's family. She started to notice how often they dropped a good idea or an impulse to start something. Nowadays, she tries to be encouraging. It did not seem to have changed the entire family. But her change in view has changed her perspective and this surely helped her gain back some more inner peace when interacting with them.

If you found yourself in this article, I'd like you to know that we often judge each other for our flaws. I see them as a resource and a beautiful expression of our subconscious mind. But if you feel like wanting to make a change, feeling unstuck, less frustrated, happier, more connected to others, more positive about your plans and as a result of that more motivated to tackle them, come find me. I'd be honoured to reflect on this with you as a psychologist and let go of the weight of your inner critic with a little Reiki magic.